Shock tactics

One of the things that prompted the creation of this blog was the fabulous writing of (among others) Emily and Julie.

They have both written at times about the trials and tribulations of deciding to have a family - Julie in particular has been through some experiences that I wouldn't wish for anyone. N & I had rather a different experience, which caused us in our own way to go through a great deal of anxiety.

In 2004, after two and a half years together, N proposed to me, and I was over the moon. We planned our wedding for the following autumn, and life was good. Then, in summer 05, I got a new job working in the private sector, a move I had been hoping to make for some time. The timing coming up to the wedding wasn't the best, but I figured I ought to be able to manage - wedding planning was going well and I was very organised.

About a month before our wedding, N had his stag do, and one of my friends came round to spend the day with me while her husband was on the stag do. We had a great girly day and gossiped a lot about nothing much as we usually do (she's the one person I'm ever girly with, as usually I can't stand the whole "he said she said" scene). The only slight downside was that I slipped down our stairs and bashed my coccyx, which was very sore and I had some difficulty walking. On Monday, I was really no better, so I called work and explained that I couldn't make it in - there was no way I could manage public transport in that much pain.

I had been feeling really run down and had started taking some medication that I had previously been on - I figured that I was under the weather and tired because of planning the wedding and the new job. However instead of feeling better, it just made me feel queasy and so I stopped. I was vaguely aware that I was due a period - I never have a clue when I'm due, so I never know if I'm late, and I've had several patches in my life where I've been irregular. However I thought I had better play it safe, and do a test.

How shocked was I when not one, but two lines appeared! I knew that it was a possibility - we weren't exactly 100% careful all the time, but 4 weeks before the wedding?! I went back to the bedroom and made N wake up - I think my exact words were "I need you to wake up; I've got something to tell you and you need to be properly awake for this".

He dragged himself upright (he's not really a morning person!) and I said "I've just done a pregnancy test, and it's positive". "Aaeehr" came the coherent response.

This was a really big issue for us. We knew that we really wanted a family but the timing was exactly wrong. We were laden with debts, just about to get married, and the dates were such that my maternity pay was in doubt. We wanted to make the right decision for us, and the baby, but could barely begin to get our heads around the details. I knew as well that I was not 100% physically fit - as well as being overweight, I had recently overcome a long illness and was only just beginning to feel back to normal. I was terrified that pregnancy would be harmful both to my health and to that of the baby.


The last thing I wanted was for my family doctor to know, so we contacted the family planning centre for advice and options. They confirmed that I was pregnant and pointed us in the direction of Marie Stopes, who were able to provide more advice and information.

We went for an appointment at their clinic, where I had an ultrasound scan and they discussed options for terminating the pregnancy if that is what we wanted. The nurse was fantastic, and talked through all our options, and offered counselling. N & I both broke down in the appointment - it felt so wrong for us to terminate a pregnancy, but at the same time, we were both worried that it would have long term health implications for me (that would possibly impact my ability to look after myself or the baby) and that our relationship would not survive.

We booked an appointment for the termination the next day, and went home and cried about it.

We talked and talked, about our hopes and our fears, how we would cope in either situation, both short and long term. By the end of the night, we knew that there was no way we could go ahead. We knew we had a fantastic support network around us and it would feel hypocritical to terminate a potential child because they had arrived 12 months early.

As soon as we had made the decision, we knew it was right for us. We were suddenly hit with that giddy euphoria that I imagine everyone consciously trying for a baby must feel on getting a positive - a mixture of "wow, it's actually happening" mixed with "oh my god, we must be crazy" and an overwhelming urge to ring everyone we knew and even accost strangers on the street!

It's a year now since we conceived and about 11 months since we found out. I don' t think I'll ever forget the experience and the emotions. I do believe that one day I will tell our daughter that she was unexpected (she'll be able to do the sums between the wedding and her birthday) and if she asks, I'll tell her that we thought long and hard about whether we could fairly raise a child in our circumstances at the time, but that in the end, there was no way we could pass up the opportunity to have the first baby that we both longed for.