Stressful celebrations

Today my grandfather turned 85. This is a huge achievement, not least considering he had a major coronary at the age of 40 and was told he had only months left. I'm very glad that that wasn't true - he has been a major influence in my life and is an incredible person. Both my grandparents have had a huge positive impact on me; they form the foundation of many happy childhood memories of Christmases, storytelling and playing games in the garden to name but a few. Unfortunately things are very difficult for them at the moment.

On top of my grandmother's stroke two months ago, my grandfather has recently been admitted to hospital after getting up too quickly and passing out. It turns out that the angina he has been treated for all these years is non-existent; instead, he has very low blood pressure. He came home from hospital and suddenly looks about 5 years younger. On the flip side, he is not coping well with my grandmother's dementia following her stroke. She does make a kind of sense, as long as you can work out where she thinks she is, and what time frame she's in. Otherwise, it is nonsense. My grandfather however can't keep up with this (or doesn't want to accept it - I'm not sure which) and so assumes that everything she says is fact.

As my whole family were visiting them for lunch, we generally had a very nice time, although the fact that my aunt prepared lunch further convinced my grandmother that she's not at home, as she didn't know what we were going to eat. We all ate together, and then my grandparents went for a nap, as did my daughter. When my daughter woke up, she cried as usual. She was quickly ushered into the garden, but my grandmother must have heard her, because when she got up, she kept asking what my daughter had eaten to make her sick, and was convinced that she must have eaten something and that she was ill. Eventually she decided that my daughter had eaten some blackberries from the garden and that they must have been mouldy. Nothing we said could convince her that my daughter was fine; every time it was explained to her, I could see she didn't believe us, as she couldn't understand why else my daughter would have cried.

I love the way my grandmother comes to life when my daughter is around, and the fact that she obviously cares so much for her, but I hate the fact that she worries about her so much that she gets distressed. My mother fell out of a window when she was about 9 months old, and my grandmother is reminded of that every time she sees my daughter and it upsets her - not just the memory of my mother but also the thought that my daughter could be hurt.

It's also very hard for me to watch the way my mum, aunt and sister are dealing with my grandparents' illness. My sister hasn't seen my grandparents since the stroke until today - she can't deal with the thought of them being ill, so has been understandably reluctanct to make the long journey from where she now lives to see them. My mum and aunt both react very differently. My aunt copes by fussing - she wants to do everything for my grandmother and gets in a flap when anything goes wrong. I understand she is anxious (who wouldn't be anxious about their parents) but the extent of her worry frustrates me. My mum on the other hand is very practical and down to earth, to the point of brusqueness. She loves her parents very much, but feels that she has to remain calm and collected, especially as my aunt doesn't. I can see her and my grandmother getting frustrated with each other, and it worries me that they forget that they do actually love each other very much. I can also see my mum getting annoyed at my grandfather's unwillingness or inability to deal with this huge change in their life and it is breaking her relationship with him. This upsets me the most, as she's always been very close to him.

My aunt and my mum have been caring for my grandparents for two months now and they are both exhausted. They have both had holidays but as soon as they are back they are exhausted again, and they are taking more time off work than they can afford. I am caught between being annoyed that they won't rely more on me and my husband as we live 10 minutes away (as opposed to over an hour away for both my mum and my aunt) and relieved that I don't have to care for my grandparents. This in turn makes me feel guilty for not wanting to look after my grandparents - they have given me so much - but I am embarrassed for them and upset to see them unable to care for themselves fully. They have so long been the head of our family and have been there for all of us and now that the positions are reversing they feel inadequate and helpless and ashamed to need our help. So while I want to help them as much as I can, I know that it is even worse for them to be reliant on their grandchildren than it is their children.

There is no simple solution - all I can do is muddle through and hope that my decisions make their lives a little better, so I can feel that I have at least begun to repay them for all they have done for me.