You just can't be trusted.

Just after my daughter was born, we were having one of the final visits from the midwife (approx 8-10 days post-delivery). The midwife was doing all of the necessary checks of my daughter (weight, nappy contents, soft spots on head etc) when she announced:

"Of course I have to talk to you about contraception"

"Right", I said, thinking how sensible that was - even our pre-natal midwives were very confusing on the issue of breastfeeding as contraceptive.

"So what will you be using?" she asked. "Do you want to go back on the pill, or would you like an IUD that has a slow-release hormone in it?"

"No thanks, I'm perfectly happy with the condoms," I said. "I'd like a break from taking tablets or other medication of any sort if possible - for a while at least."

"Oh. Are you sure? They're very simple..." (Hmm, clearly she's still confused after having the baby)

(Yes, but I said no thanks) "No, really, that's fine."

"Well let me tell you all about them anyway." (If I say it differently maybe that will help)

(Oh, goody.)

Several minutes (and leaflets) later she ends with, "So, are you certain you don't want to speak to someone about a coil or an implant?"

(Which bit of 'No, I'm quite happy' confused you the first two times?) "Er, no, I really am happy with the condoms, thank you."

"You do know they're not 100% effective, don't you?" (Oh dear, she really is sleep-deprived)

(Yes of course I bloody do - we're not naive 14-year-olds) "Yes"

"Well I'll leave you this information, and you can have a look at it and speak to your GP when you go for your 6-week check." (By then either you will have come to your senses, or he'll be able to talk you round.)

My husband and I couldn't quite believe how pushy she was. We were pleased that we had the opportunity to discuss it, should we have wanted to, but this decision had already been made, and we were both quite happy. We'd already had a few problems with this midwife, so we just put it down to her generally dodgy patient manner.

Several weeks later I went for my 6-week check at the doctors, and (as a responsible GP should) he asked

"Have you thought about contraception now? You know you can get pregnant even though you are breastfeeding?"

"Yes, thank you."

"So what kind of contraception are you thinking of using? Do you want to go back on the pill, or would you like an IUD or implant of some sort?"

(You have got to be joking!)

So we go through the whole rigamarole again.
"No, I really don't want anyth... no, I'm quite happy not havin... yes, I am aware they're not 100%... no, really, I have made my mind up, I don't want to take the number of the family planning clinic just in case.

It was clear that what both the GP and the midwife really wanted to say was "Well, you were stupid enough to get knocked up the first time... how do we know you're not just going to go straight back home and get yourselves in even more trouble... you parents just can't be trusted you know..."

Which is of course the case - all we did in the first eight weeks of our daughter's life was swing from the rafters trying to conceive the maximum number of offspring.

But you have to do something with all that energy you get from having a newborn!