Diplomatic Relations

The second big thing that happened last week was very unexpected. My dad came to visit.

Now I know that doesn't sound like a huge thing, but our relationship is... complex. My parents split up when I was about 13, but before that, my dad had been flitting in and out. He is an alcoholic, and was never stable, partly because of problems in his own childhood. I have memories of arguments and shouting, and I vividly remember praying that I fell asleep each night before my dad woke up to start shouting again otherwise I knew I'd be awake for hours trying to block out the sound. When my mum finally told my dad to leave I was really happy.

In the intervening years, my relationship with my dad deteriorated further. I couldn't forgive him for treating us the way he did, even if he did have other problems. I also found an old diary that my mum used to keep, and, being the nosy interfering child that I am, I read it. It really helped me, as it filled in gaps in my life that I wanted to know but could never ask, but I knew that I could never tell my mum about it as it was all about the unhappiest parts of their marriage.

My dad then disappeared off around the world, living out of my parents' joint bank account and running up debts on their joint assets - that my mum then had to pay back. It was a horrendously stressful time for my mum, and as the oldest child, I felt responsible for helping her through it. When my dad did get in touch, I didn't want to speak to him. Eventually, one day when I was about 15 or 16, he rang when there was no-one else in, and (in my memory at least) calmly and as dispassionately as I could I told him how I felt about him. It was horrendous, and made us both cry (can you imagine how I felt at 16 making my father cry). Since then, we've never really spoken. Most recently I saw him at my sister's 21st and at her graduation (she still has a good relationship with him), but that was over 3 years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant I dithered about whether to tell him, and if so, how. My instincts were always that he would be my child's grandfather and therefore had a right to know - even if we had no relationship, my child had a right to his/her grandparent. My reservation was down to the fact that he had remarried (a lovely lady, no problems there) and I knew that this was the kind of thing that could cause him to wobble and disappear from the scene.

In the end, I rang him and told him. It was a weird conversation, a bit out of the blue about 2 weeks before our wedding (to which he wasn't invited). He asked about visiting us, and I said of course he could, but then didn't hear from him again. When our daughter was born, I rang and told him. He sounded so emotional on the phone, and asked if he could see her. I said that of course he could, because he's her family. But again, we didn't hear from him, and I also found out that he left his wife briefly and started implying to my sister that he missed our mum and wanted to get back together with her (raising my sister's hopes, even after all this time).

I began to get annoyed - I have no issue with our relationship, but messing my daughter around is another thing altogether. I fumed about it, and in the end, about 2 weeks ago I sent him and his wife a polite, chatty letter with a couple of photos. In the letter I said that I hadn't been in touch as I didn't want to offend or upset them, but here were some pictures and a little news. To my huge surprise, about 3 days later he called me and after a quick chat asked what we were doing at the weekend, and arranged to visit!

I spent the next couple of days being surprised and a little excited - after everything, he's still my dad and I know I've always loved him even when I've disliked him more than I can describe, and I'd given up on ever knowing him again. On the other hand, I was aware that this could be an unmitigated disaster and I knew that I had to be prepared. My main goal was to enable my daughter to see all of her grandparents as she grows up.

On Saturday, N & I cleaned the house, while trying not too look like we were too bothered (I don't know who we were trying to kid). N is very tidy, unlike me, and as he's never really met my dad, I know he was a lot more nervous than he was letting on.

Just before 2 they arrived, just as our daughter decided she needed a nap. So we sat down, and the four of us chatted. It was strange, as though there was no history, but nice. An hour later, our daughter got up, and we introduced them. As ever, she had the effect that she seems to have on everyone she meets; she watched them intently with her huge blue eyes and then after a few minutes decided that they were trustworthy and gave them the biggest grin she could. Of course, they were completely won over, and we spent the next hour talking about babies, including what I was like, which was very funny. Everyone seemed to get along, and although I can't speak for anyone else, it seemed very relaxed.

All of a sudden it was 4pm, and they had to go for the 2 hour drive back to Oxfordshire, and I spent the rest of the weekend wondering if they had actually been, it had been so surreal. I haven't dared let myself be happy about it - I really really hope that something comes of it, and that we manage to stay in touch, but until it happens, I'm just glad that they finally met our daughter and sad that they missed so much fun in her earliest days.