On my own! And coping.

N went back to work two weeks ago. I thought about posting sooner, but decided that it would be a bad idea and not a particularly balanced account!

I was, as previously mentioned, terrified about it for several reasons. The main reason was that I was worried (and still am to a certain degree) that it would trigger the return of my depression. Having lived with it for over 5 years and only recently returned to what passes as normality for me, I am not eager to go back.

Unfortunately the first week didn't do much to alleviate that worry. The days alternated between good and bad. Monday was ok, Tuesday was awful, Wednesday was ok, Thursday was awful and Friday was only ok because I handed over to my Mum in the afternoon so that I could go to choir practice.

Not only was the baby unsettled by the change in getting up time and going to bed time, she clearly missed her Daddy (which didn't help her Mummy who also missed him greatly)! Obviously that was one thing I couldn't fix for her and of course made me feel as though all the work I was putting in was sub-standard and pointless. I knew that this was the depression creeping back which bothered me even more.

At the start of last week, I said to N that I couldn't get up with him and take him to the station. I was so exhausted that the 6am start for a 6.30 station run was taking away the last reerves of energy that I had. I felt incredibly guilty, as it means that N's journey in the morning is over 2 hours long (he works in Chichester, around 60 miles away from where we live).

The difference last week was amazing. Our daughter slept until 7.45 most days (hurrah!) and had at least one long nap in the day. To make things better, N has been able to agree a slightly shorter lunch break, meaning he can get an earlier train home. He's now home over half an hour earlier, which makes a huge difference, and means we have been able to reinstate our daughter's evening routine (play, bath, bottle, bed) to it's original time, which in turn has settled her more readily and meant that we get a slightly longer evening and don't feel like we only have time to eat and sleep.

My next challenge from here is to find something interesting to do. Due to some kind of (administrative?) oversight, we weren't invited to a post-natal class, so I have no-one to talk to, visit etc during the day. We have some other friends that we were regularly visiting, but they have recently had their second baby, so are somewhat occupied at the moment! I know I really should take our daughter swimming, but it seems complicated - mainly to do with getting myself prepared to show legs and swimsuit-line (never bikini-line; I wouldn't want to scare anyone!) in public.

I have found one thing to do helping out a local organisation with some basic admin, but it's home-work, so I won't be getting out, which is a shame. I would love to be able to go for a walk, but we live on a main road (think 1/3 of a mile from motorways) which runs in a very steep valley, so there isn't anywhere suitable. Oh to be by the sea again!

Ah well, I guess there's always another trip round Tesco... :-)